to Impress Your Professor
(and Alienate Your Fellow Students)
Always refer to Mark Twain as Samuel Clemens, occasionally adding
“pseudonyms are for cowards” and only used by those with
5 to 10 passages in Latin. Recite at random moments during heated
classroom discussions. Stare wistfully out the window during all such
recitations. If you can make yourself cry, even better.
asked a question on any aspect of Virginia Woolf’s canon, chuckle
condescendingly, mutter something about Robespierre, and continue
reading quietly from any book by John Barth for the remainder of the
period. Meanwhile, as class goes on, ignore the physical reality of
everyone else in the room.
any well-known, highly respected piece of literature …learn
to hate it.
asked your thoughts on any book, reply only with the following statement:
“Reading is an intimate experience, and sharing my thoughts
on [insert name of novel here] would be akin to allowing you to sleep
with my wife/husband/retarded child.”
excitement for all things Dickens …and mention something about
his fur coat.
respond to a question upon being called on for the first time. Rather,
sit silently until prodded, then claim you are waiting (like Estragon)
for a suitable reply to arrive (like Godot).
arrive to class carrying a briefcase, cane, and wearing a monocle.
To check the time, consult only a pocket watch, commenting that the
school’s clocks are a few “wiffens” off
studying Existentialism, explain to your professor that you will respectfully
refrain from all further topical discussions until he, using only
arguments framed by the philosophy, can defend the point of such inquiries.
... (always!) ... refer to your friends as Droogs.