Outtakes and Excerpts from VH1’s “I Love 2006”

Mo Rocca (Actor, Comedian) – This will be a wonderful boon to the country’s waning tourism industry, in addition to this measure, they are going to offer up 1 percent of their GDP to academics from other countries to come in and utilize this material for revisionist historical texts. Iran has expressed major interest in contributing to this effort.

Alyson Hannigan (Actress) – People don’t understand how big this measure is, especially here in America. This is probably the best thing to happen for Jews since Schindler’s List.

Oliver Stone (Director) – This is exactly the kind of progressive governing that our government could learn a few lessons from. It opens things up for a new dialogue on a variety of topics, including, but not limited to JFK, the Cuban missile crisis, and Roswell. If Germany can admit it’s mistakes and wave its naked member for all to see, then what is America so afraid of?

Gilbert Godfried (Comedian) – WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND IS HOW THEY EAT ALL THOSE SAUSAGES OVER THERE! THEY HAVE MORE NAMES FOR SAUSAGES THAN ESKIMOS HAVE FOR SNOW!

David Hasselhoff (Actor, Adonis) – I remember back when I took the wall down, speaking to several of the emissaries and dignitaries about the possibilities of opening up the archives. Many of them were very receptive, and I knew that it was just going to be a matter of time. I mean, how can you say no to the Hoff?

Hal Sparks (Comedian, Actor) – What can you say? Rush hour is a killer everywhere, even in Mumbai.

Dom Delouise (?) – All those poor people going home from work, thinking about having a nice dinner, curry maybe, thinking about having sex, a pale ale, and then they’re dead. It’s like that time the lemur peed on Johnny Carson and ruined his sport coat. Everybody thought it was real funny, but it was a tragedy … because it was so unexpected.

Andrew Dice Clay (Comedian) – I was on tour in Mumbai way back, and I had to ride those trains when no one picked me up at the airport. Let me tell you, an entire country of people eating spicy foods and enclosed public transportation don’t mix. People are dropping bombs constantly in there. Honestly, it amazes me thee death toll was only 200.

Biz Markie (Rapper) – Really, I didn’t even hear about that. You really want me to comment on that? I was told I’d spend an hour making fun of K-Fed, now I’m just bummed out.

Mo Rocca – So General Boonyaratkalin performed a flawless, bloodless coup and declared martial law while the Prime Minister was meeting with the UN in New York. Shortly afterward, the General was challenged by Deep Blue to a chess match. If you ask me, the computer didn’t stand a chance.

Michael Ian Black (Actor, Comedian) – The old switcheroo. I met a woman named Candy at the same UN conference. When we got back to her place, needless to say, I felt as foolish as Prime Minister Shinawatra.

Fabio (Model) – I feel very bad for the Prime Minister. I know what it is like to lose something so close to your heart. To invest so much time and effort into a thing you love and then you have it taken away from you when you are not looking. Prime Minister, if you are watching, I’d like you to know that you are welcome at my house anytime. We could share a bottle of Reisling and talk things out. It would be very therapeutic.

Gilbert Godfried – THIS IS WHAT INSURANCE IS FOR! YOU HAVE TO PREPAREFOR EVERY EVENTUALITY! (Raising his voice two octaves) BUT WHAT UPSETS ME THE MOST IS THAT BEACAUSE OF HIS CARELESSNESS, MY THIRD WORLD COUP RPEMIUMS ARE GOING TO GO THROUGH THE ROOF!!

Alyson Hannigan – I’m currently working on a screenplay about this incident with Quentin Tarantino. It’s going to be a highly stylized, non-linear retelling of the events with a lot of blood and humor mixed in. We both agreed that there wasn’t enough violence or funny things actually associated to the event, so we’re taking a few artistic liberties. George Clooney has already signed on to play Boonyaratkalin.

Hal Sparks – I’m happy that they were finally able to step out of South Korea’s shadow. For a long time, they were just walking around with a chip on their shoulder. This should provide them with the self-esteem and confidence they need to enact some positive social change and help them achieve their larger humanitarian goals.

Charo (Singer) – Cuchi, cuchi!

Dom Delouise – Sometimes I lay awake at night and dream of my own nuclear capabilities. I only dream when I’m awake, that’s one of the reasons I’m where I am today, but if I could harness the power of the atom, I’m sure my quality of life would be significantly improved.

Michael Ian Black – I’m always amazed when countries where people don’t speak English achieve incredible scientific feats like this. It seems to me that science would be difficult in other languages, especially ones where all the words sound the same.

Andrew Dice Clay – I’m not going to lie, this is very upsetting to me. I’ve had a team working on this same project since 1987, and we’re still three years from testing.

DECEMBER 3 – Chavez Wins in a Landslide

Mo Rocca – Hugo, as I like to call him, won in a decisive 61% to 38% over Manuel Rosales. Incidentally, the other 1% voted for an anonymous coffee manufacturer running on the platform that his first action in government would be to declare war on Starbucks.

Biz Markie – Yeah, that guy came to see my show in Vegas. He sat in the front row and kept yelling out for “Just a Friend.” I finally played it just to shut him up.